Well, after those eleven months I've spent in UK, here's something I thought I'd never say or think or feel.
I want to go home. I want to speak my mother tongue and not my second one. I'm tired of stuttering, using gestures, asking people to repeat, repeating myself twice or three times.
I'm fed up with this manager from work who thinks that speaking to me with a French accent is hilarious, as if I've never heard that joke before. (No, shit.)
It feels like I either reached a big step which is harder than every previous one I passed, or I've just reached my own limits, and that I'll never be able to do better and keep improving.
I moslty got this feeling from work. Just realised I can't joke, get involved in chit-chats and everything else that makes it enjoyable to work within a team as easily as everybody else.
The worst might be when a manager or whoever comes and fetch me for some job, and doesn't bother looking at me while speaking, enunciating etc and when I'm like "I didn't get you sorry, can you just repeat please ?" they just walk away waving their hand and nodding because "It's okay, nevermind. It's not important."
I don't know if they realize that for me, yes it is. It is fucking important. I wanna get why this lad over there is smiling as I'm passing by, why bullshit his buddy just told him is really funny.
It's damn important, for fuck's sake.
After 14 hours pouring pints, running around this huge restaurant picking up trays and glasses and rushing to the kitchen to get milk pots and shit, I'm just massively knackered -so is everybody else for sure- and I feel useless and I want to cry.
Finally, I think I've just realized how it feels to be the stranger, and how hard it can be.
I want to go home, because I'm tired of justifying more than usual, over-explaining myself and asking questions that makes everybody pissed-off.
I want to talk to people who will get me as soon as I speak, and stop reminding me that, yeah dude, I have a strong accent. I already know it, no need to mention it, screw off, thank you.